blast from the past

the conversation im having with this person is so shocking
i thought it was over
but its starting again
i want to scream and break things
go into an emotional outburst
cry
and cry
and cry
... but i dont have any tears left for this person

i dont feel like writing

dont ever leave
dont ever change
i love you "to bits"
and only time will heal this awkward mother of a wound
this separation is a time for deep though
goodbye and see you again soon

things are getting uncomfortable

is this what you get when you play with toys that you are too old for...?

procrastination

exams.

as the golden girl has recently said, they are pretty much what the whole year revolves around. the final year of high school consists of study and tests which are the leading preparations for the last exams and the ticket to a glorious future. the underlying deal is that great success in exams will equal great success after the final year and shit results will equal... well youre basically screwed and living in a cardboard box. this makes the day of an average year twelve student as following: get up - eat - travel - school - travel - sport (if motivated) - eat - study - sleep.. and this cycle is repeated throughout the week. naturally there are things which will come and go as the year passes by, to distract us from what the year is about, and these are: part time jobs - music festivals - balls/events - parties - drugs - sex - alcohol - maddog car races down the freeway - lookin' t0t3$ $3xY for that hottie and so on and so forth ...

it is currently week two of the examination period. after a two - three week period since the release of the time table everyone has been studying their asses of. i have just finished the bulk of my exams and i was ready for a break. it all started on the afternoon of my third exam. i went to go get hot chocolate with my best guy friend anderson. it had been a while since we had last crossed paths so it was an enjoyable afternoon filled with witty comments and humerus topics. we were there interrupted by several awkward coincides...

1. metalhead: he walks by with two friends of his. we greeted each other with an awkward hug and i then progressed to introducing him to anderson which then lead to an awkward handshake shared between the two of them. after this the silence was filled with attempted witty comments about how we were to spend the night. since then i have been asking myself how things have become so awkward between me and him. i find myself regretting how i felt and what i did because i prefer how things were before and i really miss that. we were just two people that clicked instantly and now its just a load of nothingness when we converse.

2. little jay: it had been a while since i had seen this blast from the past. i wasnt expecting a conversation after all the hurt that we had put each other through. but i was surprised with small talk about life and exams in general, it was nice. maybe we could have a round two for this friendship or is that two risky after all thats gone down?

3. that night was the night of the local clothing shops "doo" and also happened to be the night i was hanging out with a new potential. his name is arnold (named after hey arnold off nickelodeon, thats right you guessed it - hes a footy) and he is pretty much flawless in every way possible. he arrived at my door and off we went for the magical night ahead. we bought dinner and ate it on the foreshore front, in view of the limited city views. we talked and laughed as we found our way to the store. we said our hellos and goodbyes pretty much straight after our arrival as we much preferred our lighthearted conversations. arnold played the charm card and i automatically got sucked in and went head over heels. the rest of the night was spent at my house with harmless flirtations and mocking of television, a kiss goodnight sealed the deal as well i suppose.

im not sure if im getting myself into trouble. or if im trying to run away from an awkward situation. but theres only one way to find out.

another introduction

my lovely friend Bee -

we met at age ten, i hated her with a great passion. but it seemed the more occasions where we were forced to spend great lengths of time with one another, the more we began to love each others differences. its been seven years since then and i give her a five star award in friendship. its weird because we have never really called each other besties, biffles, bff, whatever other label - this relationship has crossed a whole new level (no we are not lesbians) because she is more of a sister to me.

we have defiantly had our ups, downs and whiplashes from this rollercoaster that we call coming of age but its always ended with a smile. she has put up with my tears, my crazy stories and my rage. there have been times when ive been worried about her - times i dont think i could have helped with, even if i tried. if anything had of happened i really dont know what i would have done with myself. but lately that doesnt matter because ive seen a change and a happiness which i have never seen before. finally she is getting what she deserves.

"less is more"

the tallest man on earth

geoff showed this to me the other day after a production rehearsal.

his voice is deliciously husky ♥

i love this movie (which after posting this i discovered is not disney!!). i found myself listening to this song on repeat, on my ipod today. it put me in the good mood i needed - it was great





"At The Beginning With You"

We were strangers, Starting out on a journey.
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through.
Now here we are. I'm suddenly standing at the begining with you.

No one told me I was going to find you. Unexpected what you
did to my heart. When I lost hope you were there to remind me.
This is the start.

And life is a road and I wanna to keep going,
love is a river I wanna keep flowing,
life is a road Now and forever.
Wonderful journey.

I'll be there when the world stops turning,
I'll be there when the storm is through,
In the end I wanna be standing.
At the beginning with you.

We were strangers on a crazy adventure.
Never dreaming how are our dreams will come true.
Now here we stand Unafraid of the future.
At the begining with you.

And life is a road and I wanna to keep going,
love is a river I wanna keep flowing,
life is a road Now and forever.
Wonderful journey.

I'll be there when the world stops turning,
I'll be there when the storm is through,
In the end I wanna be standing.
At the beginning with you.

Knew there was somebody somewhere.
Like me alone in the dark. Now I know my
dream will live on. I've been waiting so long.
Nothing's gonna tear us apart.

And life is a road and I wanna keep going,
Love is a river and I want to keep flowing,
Life is a road now and forever.
Wonderful journey.

I'll be there when the world stops turning,
I'll be there when the storm is through,
In the end I wanna be standing.
At the beginning with you.

And life is a road and I wanna keep going,
Love is a river and I want to keep flowing,
life is a road now and forever.
Starting out on a journey!
Life is a road and I wanna keep going,
Love is a river and I want to keep going,
In the end I wanna to be standing at the begining........With you.

"remove connection"

awkward situations are the worst. they are sticky little scenarios which can very rarely be avoided if unexpected. you just stand there and attempt to laugh or giggle it off, change subject matter or if youre luck you have that social retard that stands there and says "well this is awkward". i myself tend to find myself in vast amount of awkward situations - some i bring upon myself, others not so much. personally, i find them bearable but sometimes if i think its getting way out of hand i avoid the whole human, subject, animal, whatever. and by avoid i mean dont reply to, block, cut all ties, delete, backspace, exit. you dig? call me a cowardly or selfish but thats how it is yo.

karmas a bitch

now i know how you feel. but its my turn to feel those emotions. its my turn to get over it, suck it up and stop being a princess. people move on at different times. i guess you could call this payback?

please meet...

some boy or metal head. sounds crazy, but hes been on my mind all day.

this is an just a little explanation/introduction to him:

seems like the averagest of all joes, but no. good grades and family relationships - what a plus. works casual at a local grocers. enjoys arts and has a great passion for music and metal (hence the name). over the past few months ive seen that this indimidating boy hidding behind that emo fringe is just a huggable bfg (big friendly giant) who is so much more than he appears to be. hes become the greatest friend and possibly the most special.

im not risking anything for this.

continued on.

another wrong decision made, but its ok. i have just realised that i set myself up to get hurt/disappointed so there is no reason for me to winge or feel sorry for myself. tonights gonna be a restless night for some. pondering the mixed messages and actions that have occured over the past twentyfour hours. its gonna be a while till this pain subsides...

the strange

i always make the wrong decisions. my gut instinct has shrunk so small that its non-existent. during my more younger and youthful days my gut instinct was fabulous in times of life changing decisions. i always knew which chocolate ice cream to have: strawberry of chocolate? chocolate. these days, in times when i have to make a choices i resort to strange actions such as flipping a coin, pros and cons listing or eight balling the situation. there are the occasions when i ask a friend but even then, i ignore their advice and end up more confused.
that is all.

performance

per-form
–verb (used with object)
1.to carry out; execute; do: to perform miracles.
2.to go through or execute in the proper, customary, or established manner: to perform the marriage ceremony.
3.to carry into effect; fulfill: Perform what you promise.
4.to act (a play, part, etc.), as on the stage, in movies, or on television.
5.to render (music), as by playing or singing.
6.to accomplish (any action involving skill or ability), as before an audience: to perform a juggling act.
7.to complete.

i love this feeling: the getting ready. the pain of some lady yanking at youre hair. the weird sensation of someone touching your face when they do your makeup. vocal warmup. the adrenaline rush of being behind the curtains. the exhilaration of being on stage - seeing the silhouettes of the audience.

its great
♥ ac little shop of horrors 2010

letting go

i tend to hold onto people like old stuffed toys, as if they hold some sort of sentimental value. in particular the most horrible of people.

HISTORY LESSON ONE: there ones was a boy (lets call him pretzel). i am constantly under his spell and i have no idea why. the pattern goes as follows - talk, joke, flirt, go out, get attached, get hurt, hate. this has repeated multiple times. love how my stupidity has its way with me and fucks me over.

LESSON TWO: there once was another boy (lets call him little jay). he is the closest thing i have had to a soul mate, if that is even possible at seventeen, we tried the whole friendship thing after many great conflicts and childish lovegames - we both got hurt when we should have just let it go.

LESSON THREE: the boy with the heanie, again, douche. should have let go - he was always going to cause trouble.


note to self: im seeing a pattern occuring...
and: try refrain from doing this again in the future.

a shlong list of words

ballsack skin - scrotum - shlong - sausage - penis - third leg - pen15 - cock - dick - mister johnson -the snake that came out of the bush - his package - wiener - testicle - wang - willy - the sack - balls

thanks eran

judgemental beings

went to the opening of pigeonhole's new winter collection with some of the production kids after rehearsal the other week (how sub-cultural of us). things were about to get interesting. we walked up the corridor towards the entrance of the store - the music was enjoyably deafening and it was packed. as we walked past we saw great amounts of red lips, bows, floral patterns, fastened top buttons, collared shirts, cardigens and boots with laces almost all of them holding their cocktails - we clearly were not part of the scene. as we walked past, us drama kids and our metal head friend felt the death stares being shot at us. why though? why is it that because we dressed in a certain way or were not "indie" enough, all of them instantly assessed or judged us and gave us a fail?

currently my favourite song

"Yellow Brick Road" - Angus and Julia Stone

Just a spoon full of sugar
Makes the medicine go down
Sweet Mary-Jane won't you lay me down
Lost my heart in California, lost my mind
Shot me down with a revolver, got me high
Then a heart of gold came on the stereo
Mr Young made me cry
Then all the colours of the rainbow
Fell in my eyes

I lost my mind long ago
Down that yellow brick road
I lost my mind long ago
Down that yellow brick road

Took a train to the river
Where I drove right in
That skinny dippin' girl
Made the blue bird sing
Fell in love in California, she blew my mind
She shot me down with her revolver
She got me high
Then the weather man came on the radio
Said there be sunshine
Then all the colours of the rainbow
Fell in my mind

I lost my mind long ago
Down that yellow brick road
I lost my mind long ago
Down that yellow brick road

times gonna fly

clocks are running. i have come to the realisation that time is, most certainly, running out. what felt like a million years has condensed down to like twenty(ish) weeks. this a time for many lasts. last monday of term two, week three. last tuesday of two, week three. last wednesday of term two, week three. and so on. the great necessitates of our final year are coming and going so quickly. some of us want to speed up and fast forward till the end of the year - excited to escape. others want to pause and take in everything that is going on around us - reflect and analyse. soon the time will come, we'll separate into the world and all of this will be sweet, sweet memories of the past which will hopefully never fade away as we grow older and older.

leaven mister metal head alone

people have their own thoughts.
people have their own opinions.
he just expressed his
and hes apologized for being so insensitive.
get over it.

- that is all.

...

some photos from kuala oompa-lumpur from ages ago. playing on photoshop weirdly relaxes me...

grief

generally the seven stages of grief are as follows:

1. shock & denial - react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once.

2. pain & guilt - as the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that people experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. may have guilty feelings or remorse over things they did/didn't do with their loved one. life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. anger & bargaining - frustration gives way to anger, and people may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. people may rail against fate, questioning "why me?" and may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair.

4. "depression", reflection & loneliness - just when friends may think people should be getting on with their lives, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake. this is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders.

5. the upward turn - as people start to adjust to life without their loved one, their life becomes a little calmer and more organized. their physical symptoms lessen, and their "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. reconstruction & working through- become more functional, mind starts working again, and people will find themselves seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without their loved one. they will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing themselves and their life without him or her.

7. acceptance & hope - learn to accept and deal with the reality of their situation. acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. given the pain and turmoil they have experienced, they can never return to the carefree lifestyle before this tragedy.

one of the hardest things ive had to do is watch someone i love grieve. theres nothing you can do but be there for them. watch them suffer and suffer with them. watch them cry and cry with them. watch them learn and learn with them. the other night was a toughy. we stood there together, next to her - friends. in the darkness, next to the row of candles - glowing. we stood there together next to her, crying together - for her and how strong she was.
its an emotional roller coaster.

indecisive

there are some people you can just never be angry at, no matter what they do. in some cases there are people that repeatedly stab you in the back but still and claim that they "love" you. you just keep playing the game of forgive and forget, and accept it all in the moment of things. you realise that these are the types of people that you dont want to be associated with and try to break away, the nightmare is finally over - you can stop screaming. things are going great till you cant avoid them any longer, and thats when they drag you back down with them (what bastards). in my case i know that my person is ashamed of who i am. all im gonna say is unless you get on a fucking coffee stand like seth cohen, you are just another figment of my imagination.

yes

yes its that time of the year again. mid year exam schedules are out...
frantic,
stressful,
restless,
tense,
demanding,
nerve-racking,
tiring,
panicked,
hectic, Hectic, HECTIC
times are ahead for us all - ew rank aaaaaaargh!!

goal: this time i might try studying a bit harder and not get dissapointed when i do shit. instead ill actually try as opposed to half-trying.
plan b: hello bikini girls as first career preference.

mixed messages

there once was a girl. pretty ordinary i'd say. whilst growing up she had been experimental. she was experimental but not to the point where it was like "oh my god! off the rails!!!" experimental or anything like that. in the past she had walked a selection of "dark paths" and sacrificed a motherload (friends, family, money ect ect) for stupid things and stupid people. so this girl was confused right? - confused about who to trust/love and to be honest she became a bit of a cowardly character. one night when things went haywire a nice boy (his token piece of clothing was a heanie (and yes i am referring to the disgusting head attire of a hat-beanie), but i'll let that slide...) decided to play prince charming and tell her that she was a "nice girl that deserved to be treated right". at this point she was like whaaaaaaaaat? because this boy had previously been the enemy in the story. she thought this was just an act which would later follow with the boy doing some sort of backstabbing. but like that wasnt the point at this point in time cuz she had a brilliant plan. she decided that she would never be hurt again. in doing this she built a wall (forgot to mention she was a bricky too): some boundaries to stop herself from getting her hopes up. long story short feelings for the boy were blossoming and this whole boundary thing was going on and she was being a bit of a bitch to that boy even though she really did like him. in primary school there was that thing where if a boy is mean to a girl then that means he likes her - it was kinda like that in this case, but the other way round kinda, eh whatever. she later found out that the whole time he had genuinely liked her with no backstabbing attached. "liked" being past tense if you didnt pick that up. in conclusion the story ends with the girl still getting hurt, she was just too paranoid/scared and the girl ended up losing her chance and shooting herself in the foot. the end.
what
a
pickle.

for ej carter

myspace is so a thing of the past.
but thank you erin for introducing me to this picture
- it entertained me and horrified me at the same time

you know who you are...

"No More"

Since you’ve been gone
All I wanted was for you to come
Back to me say sorry, baby I was wrong
But I waited my faith was strong this hurt could be undone
Time goes by
And hope subsides
I fell for way too long

I don’t know any change
cus I was always imagining we’d be together
cus I loved you
And now you’re standing here
I realize time really heals
cus I feel better
than I could be

I cried for so many nights
Wishing you’re by my side
My heart’s so tired of breaking
Suddenly here you are
You’re saying all the words
I was waiting for
But I don’t want you no more

You got the same smile you did before
Used to make me weak in the knees
I look in your eyes used to drive me wild
But I already made my peace
Who knew there would come a time
When you said yes and I said no
Cuz I miss ya so long since you’ve been gone
I’ve been tryin’ to let you go

I don’t know any change
cus I was always imagining we’d be together
cus I loved you
And now you’re standing here
I realize time really heals
cus I feel better
than I thought I could be

I cried for so many nights
Wishing you’re by my side
My heart’s so tired of breaking
Suddenly here you are
You’re saying all the words
I was waiting for
But I don’t want you no

No more sleepin’
With the lights turned on
No more weepin’
Cuz you didn’t come home
No more lonely
Inside this heart
Your love don’t live here anymore

I cried for so many nights
Wishing you’re by my side
My heart’s so tired of breaking
Suddenly here you are
You’re saying all the words
I was waiting for
But I don’t want you no more

yes this post is targetted at someone
they know who they are... *angry face angry face angry face*

!

i remember a day of shopping, indie jokes, reece driving gab and myself around, rain, iceyice, chicken sandwhiches, wrestling eugene and chris for my phone before i get "i am as gay as ellen degeneres" sent to all of my friends, chips and potatoe cakes, attempting to learn how to play xbox (and failing) and chris' fisheye.

swerve

bored on a friday night and looking through my ipod. i went through my notes and found some stuff written down from devising on nida...

1. the ultimate existance would be if santa was real
2. if i could have super powers i would be invincible
3. the greatest swerve from the norm in the world would be not wearing clothes
4. what seems unobtainable is real success
5. i want more communication
6. i wish for dad to love me
7. i love seamonkeys
8. a rule i hate is "no hat no play no school today"

right. how peculiar...

as much as i love being at school we have yet another long weekend! i have a strong gut feeling homelife isnt going to be great this weekend. father michael is going to be unreasonably homosexual again and things are going to be over dramatized once more. i wish things would go back to how they used to be...

something new

sitting in private study while making a blog.
as opposed to doing drama production work, photography written or graphing maths i decided to make my own space.
every possible blog name was taken, it was rediculous!!!
effectively using my time - obviously.