another introduction

my lovely friend Bee -

we met at age ten, i hated her with a great passion. but it seemed the more occasions where we were forced to spend great lengths of time with one another, the more we began to love each others differences. its been seven years since then and i give her a five star award in friendship. its weird because we have never really called each other besties, biffles, bff, whatever other label - this relationship has crossed a whole new level (no we are not lesbians) because she is more of a sister to me.

we have defiantly had our ups, downs and whiplashes from this rollercoaster that we call coming of age but its always ended with a smile. she has put up with my tears, my crazy stories and my rage. there have been times when ive been worried about her - times i dont think i could have helped with, even if i tried. if anything had of happened i really dont know what i would have done with myself. but lately that doesnt matter because ive seen a change and a happiness which i have never seen before. finally she is getting what she deserves.

"less is more"

the tallest man on earth

geoff showed this to me the other day after a production rehearsal.

his voice is deliciously husky ♥

i love this movie (which after posting this i discovered is not disney!!). i found myself listening to this song on repeat, on my ipod today. it put me in the good mood i needed - it was great





"At The Beginning With You"

We were strangers, Starting out on a journey.
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through.
Now here we are. I'm suddenly standing at the begining with you.

No one told me I was going to find you. Unexpected what you
did to my heart. When I lost hope you were there to remind me.
This is the start.

And life is a road and I wanna to keep going,
love is a river I wanna keep flowing,
life is a road Now and forever.
Wonderful journey.

I'll be there when the world stops turning,
I'll be there when the storm is through,
In the end I wanna be standing.
At the beginning with you.

We were strangers on a crazy adventure.
Never dreaming how are our dreams will come true.
Now here we stand Unafraid of the future.
At the begining with you.

And life is a road and I wanna to keep going,
love is a river I wanna keep flowing,
life is a road Now and forever.
Wonderful journey.

I'll be there when the world stops turning,
I'll be there when the storm is through,
In the end I wanna be standing.
At the beginning with you.

Knew there was somebody somewhere.
Like me alone in the dark. Now I know my
dream will live on. I've been waiting so long.
Nothing's gonna tear us apart.

And life is a road and I wanna keep going,
Love is a river and I want to keep flowing,
Life is a road now and forever.
Wonderful journey.

I'll be there when the world stops turning,
I'll be there when the storm is through,
In the end I wanna be standing.
At the beginning with you.

And life is a road and I wanna keep going,
Love is a river and I want to keep flowing,
life is a road now and forever.
Starting out on a journey!
Life is a road and I wanna keep going,
Love is a river and I want to keep going,
In the end I wanna to be standing at the begining........With you.

"remove connection"

awkward situations are the worst. they are sticky little scenarios which can very rarely be avoided if unexpected. you just stand there and attempt to laugh or giggle it off, change subject matter or if youre luck you have that social retard that stands there and says "well this is awkward". i myself tend to find myself in vast amount of awkward situations - some i bring upon myself, others not so much. personally, i find them bearable but sometimes if i think its getting way out of hand i avoid the whole human, subject, animal, whatever. and by avoid i mean dont reply to, block, cut all ties, delete, backspace, exit. you dig? call me a cowardly or selfish but thats how it is yo.

karmas a bitch

now i know how you feel. but its my turn to feel those emotions. its my turn to get over it, suck it up and stop being a princess. people move on at different times. i guess you could call this payback?

please meet...

some boy or metal head. sounds crazy, but hes been on my mind all day.

this is an just a little explanation/introduction to him:

seems like the averagest of all joes, but no. good grades and family relationships - what a plus. works casual at a local grocers. enjoys arts and has a great passion for music and metal (hence the name). over the past few months ive seen that this indimidating boy hidding behind that emo fringe is just a huggable bfg (big friendly giant) who is so much more than he appears to be. hes become the greatest friend and possibly the most special.

im not risking anything for this.

continued on.

another wrong decision made, but its ok. i have just realised that i set myself up to get hurt/disappointed so there is no reason for me to winge or feel sorry for myself. tonights gonna be a restless night for some. pondering the mixed messages and actions that have occured over the past twentyfour hours. its gonna be a while till this pain subsides...

the strange

i always make the wrong decisions. my gut instinct has shrunk so small that its non-existent. during my more younger and youthful days my gut instinct was fabulous in times of life changing decisions. i always knew which chocolate ice cream to have: strawberry of chocolate? chocolate. these days, in times when i have to make a choices i resort to strange actions such as flipping a coin, pros and cons listing or eight balling the situation. there are the occasions when i ask a friend but even then, i ignore their advice and end up more confused.
that is all.

performance

per-form
–verb (used with object)
1.to carry out; execute; do: to perform miracles.
2.to go through or execute in the proper, customary, or established manner: to perform the marriage ceremony.
3.to carry into effect; fulfill: Perform what you promise.
4.to act (a play, part, etc.), as on the stage, in movies, or on television.
5.to render (music), as by playing or singing.
6.to accomplish (any action involving skill or ability), as before an audience: to perform a juggling act.
7.to complete.

i love this feeling: the getting ready. the pain of some lady yanking at youre hair. the weird sensation of someone touching your face when they do your makeup. vocal warmup. the adrenaline rush of being behind the curtains. the exhilaration of being on stage - seeing the silhouettes of the audience.

its great
♥ ac little shop of horrors 2010

letting go

i tend to hold onto people like old stuffed toys, as if they hold some sort of sentimental value. in particular the most horrible of people.

HISTORY LESSON ONE: there ones was a boy (lets call him pretzel). i am constantly under his spell and i have no idea why. the pattern goes as follows - talk, joke, flirt, go out, get attached, get hurt, hate. this has repeated multiple times. love how my stupidity has its way with me and fucks me over.

LESSON TWO: there once was another boy (lets call him little jay). he is the closest thing i have had to a soul mate, if that is even possible at seventeen, we tried the whole friendship thing after many great conflicts and childish lovegames - we both got hurt when we should have just let it go.

LESSON THREE: the boy with the heanie, again, douche. should have let go - he was always going to cause trouble.


note to self: im seeing a pattern occuring...
and: try refrain from doing this again in the future.

a shlong list of words

ballsack skin - scrotum - shlong - sausage - penis - third leg - pen15 - cock - dick - mister johnson -the snake that came out of the bush - his package - wiener - testicle - wang - willy - the sack - balls

thanks eran

judgemental beings

went to the opening of pigeonhole's new winter collection with some of the production kids after rehearsal the other week (how sub-cultural of us). things were about to get interesting. we walked up the corridor towards the entrance of the store - the music was enjoyably deafening and it was packed. as we walked past we saw great amounts of red lips, bows, floral patterns, fastened top buttons, collared shirts, cardigens and boots with laces almost all of them holding their cocktails - we clearly were not part of the scene. as we walked past, us drama kids and our metal head friend felt the death stares being shot at us. why though? why is it that because we dressed in a certain way or were not "indie" enough, all of them instantly assessed or judged us and gave us a fail?

currently my favourite song

"Yellow Brick Road" - Angus and Julia Stone

Just a spoon full of sugar
Makes the medicine go down
Sweet Mary-Jane won't you lay me down
Lost my heart in California, lost my mind
Shot me down with a revolver, got me high
Then a heart of gold came on the stereo
Mr Young made me cry
Then all the colours of the rainbow
Fell in my eyes

I lost my mind long ago
Down that yellow brick road
I lost my mind long ago
Down that yellow brick road

Took a train to the river
Where I drove right in
That skinny dippin' girl
Made the blue bird sing
Fell in love in California, she blew my mind
She shot me down with her revolver
She got me high
Then the weather man came on the radio
Said there be sunshine
Then all the colours of the rainbow
Fell in my mind

I lost my mind long ago
Down that yellow brick road
I lost my mind long ago
Down that yellow brick road

times gonna fly

clocks are running. i have come to the realisation that time is, most certainly, running out. what felt like a million years has condensed down to like twenty(ish) weeks. this a time for many lasts. last monday of term two, week three. last tuesday of two, week three. last wednesday of term two, week three. and so on. the great necessitates of our final year are coming and going so quickly. some of us want to speed up and fast forward till the end of the year - excited to escape. others want to pause and take in everything that is going on around us - reflect and analyse. soon the time will come, we'll separate into the world and all of this will be sweet, sweet memories of the past which will hopefully never fade away as we grow older and older.

leaven mister metal head alone

people have their own thoughts.
people have their own opinions.
he just expressed his
and hes apologized for being so insensitive.
get over it.

- that is all.

...

some photos from kuala oompa-lumpur from ages ago. playing on photoshop weirdly relaxes me...

grief

generally the seven stages of grief are as follows:

1. shock & denial - react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once.

2. pain & guilt - as the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that people experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. may have guilty feelings or remorse over things they did/didn't do with their loved one. life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. anger & bargaining - frustration gives way to anger, and people may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. people may rail against fate, questioning "why me?" and may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair.

4. "depression", reflection & loneliness - just when friends may think people should be getting on with their lives, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake. this is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders.

5. the upward turn - as people start to adjust to life without their loved one, their life becomes a little calmer and more organized. their physical symptoms lessen, and their "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. reconstruction & working through- become more functional, mind starts working again, and people will find themselves seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without their loved one. they will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing themselves and their life without him or her.

7. acceptance & hope - learn to accept and deal with the reality of their situation. acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. given the pain and turmoil they have experienced, they can never return to the carefree lifestyle before this tragedy.

one of the hardest things ive had to do is watch someone i love grieve. theres nothing you can do but be there for them. watch them suffer and suffer with them. watch them cry and cry with them. watch them learn and learn with them. the other night was a toughy. we stood there together, next to her - friends. in the darkness, next to the row of candles - glowing. we stood there together next to her, crying together - for her and how strong she was.
its an emotional roller coaster.